I really never knew that much about Phil Ochs. I knew his voice that’s for sure. It is so distinct which makes watching his story even harder. Harder but compelling. I watched this documentary and could not stop thinking about it and all the important lessons we could learn from him I decided to watch it again a few weeks later.
I try to watch as least one doc a week. I start off telling myself that I’m working on craft and production style but its when I get sucked up into the story is when I knows its good. When I forget about angles, the footage and just want more.
It’s all about the story. It’s always about the story. It’s all about THIS story.
Last week I lost some friends because I simply asked them to wait out an investigation. They said no.
It actually started when the Syrian Refugees crisis was prevailing on the news. Real friends that I know were all happy that Rick Scott was saying there would be no Syrian refugees here even though he has no right to say so and we have been settling them quietly in the state through the good work our churches. People who despise Rick Scott all of a sudden without understanding how things work would not show not one iota of kindness because somehow they thought that there was a terrorist next to them hiding under their bed.
At first I thought it was just like they felt that we have enough problems of our own (and we do) but then they went on and on about how they could be terrorists. Even 5 year children.
I realized most people have no idea what is going on because it is very confusing. I could not believe that so many people were so uncaring. People who claim to care about all kinds of issues just didn’t care. To them these people were not humans.
Sort of like how the Jewish People were treated during WW2. Boats turned away. People being killed. Children drowning. I take Xenophobia personally because after all we (the jewish people) came from the same hood. To me xenophobia today is just an extension of antisemitism.
I don’t understand how people can be so enclosed in their own cocoons that they have no feelings for the others in the human race just because their last name is different.
I’m pretty sure that most people don’t even know that out by Lake O is a wonderful community of middle easterners that have been there for years.
I was sitting here charting. My first reaction was who walks into a center for the developmentally disabled and shoots people? Of course there are lots of answers to that question. It could be some parent who upset with the treatment of their child.
We all sat here waiting for the identification of the shooters. Please don’t let them be:
white christian males
black
middle eastern
my relative
anyone I know
The twitterverse was filled with people waiting for a last name. Even Anne Coulter was sitting and waiting.
Of course if it was some white young male the local news would say something like “I refuse to speak the name of the shooter.” but it wasn’t so all bets were off.
The news media took that and performed their usual feeding frenzy. People hiding under their beds is great for business.
The GOP took this and their intention is to scare you even more.
This take the focus off of what we need in America and puts the focus on war. What happens: The Rich war machine people get richer. You give up more of your rights all in the name of being cowards. Nothing get’s done. All everyone does is fight with each other. What a mess.
America has turned into a bunch of
scaredy cats.
Our friend over at Eye on Miami wrote this great post.
“The heartbreak of Sandy Hook: Adam Lanza shot 20 children and 6 adults dead. Mentally ill kid with a gun. Columbine High School in Jefferson City 12 more school kids dead and one teacher. The executioner was a student. Oklahoma City another home grown terrorist killed 168 people. Aurora, a nut job named James Holmes killed 12 at a movie theater.”
the gorgeous faces of the children killed at Sandy hook
They call the San Bernadino killers “Lone Wolves” and make a big deal out them. A lot is coming out about things they had planned in past. Doesn’t mean they are sponsored by ISIS or anyone else.
Now we totally can’t have female refugees because one of them might be a terrorist.
ter·ror·ism
noun
noun: terrorism
the use of violence and intimidation in the pursuit of political aims.
People are radicalized and indoctrinated in many ways. Religion. Ideologies. We all believe strongly.We all have our causes. But we don’t go around shooting people in the names of causes.
The APA has done a great job researching terrorism.
Filmmaker Maryanne Galvin interviews Steven M. Kleinman, Strategist & Consultant on National Security, Senior Military Intelligence Officer. San Francisco, August 2007. Photo: Cyndi Lenz (me behind the camera and probably the most interesting interview I ever shot)
Let me repeat. Mr Kleinman is a senior military intelligence officer.
Here is the trailer to “The Little Terrorist” a fabulous short film that is featured in Interrogate This.
You can see the whole movie here. It’s only 16 minutes long. It’s quite lovely.
Psychologists are amassing more concrete data on the factors that lead some people to terrorism—and using those insights to develop ways to thwart it.
By Tori DeAngelis
November 2009, Vol 40, No. 10
“Given these complexities, the psychology of terrorism is marked more by theory and opinion than by good science, researchers admit. But a number of psychologists are starting to put together reliable data. They’re finding it is generally more useful to view terrorism in terms of political and group dynamics and processes than individual ones, and that universal psychological principles—such as our subconscious fear of death and our desire for meaning and personal significance—may help to explain some aspects of terrorist actions and our reactions to them.
In fact, the notion that terrorists could be talked out of committing violence using peaceful dialogue and a helping hand is no longer an idealist’s pipe dream, but actually the aim of a growing number of “de-radicalization” programs worldwide, says social psychologist Arie Kruglanski, PhD, co-director of the National Consortium for the Study of Terrorism and Responses to Terrorism, or START, one of several university-based Centers of Excellence established under the Homeland Security Act of 2002.
“While there is still a big need to assess these programs,” says Kruglanski, who is studying some of these programs, “in some cases, there appear to be some authentic successes.”
The lure of terror
For years, psychologists examined terrorists’ individual characteristics, mining for clues that could explain their willingness to engage in violence. While researchers now agree that most terrorists are not “pathological” in any traditional sense, several important insights have been gleaned though interviews with some 60 former terrorists conducted by psychologist John Horgan, PhD, who directs the Pennsylvania State University’s International Center for the Study of Terrorism.
Horgan found that people who are more open to terrorist recruitment and radicalization tend to:
Feel angry, alienated or disenfranchised.
Believe that their current political involvement does not give them the power to effect real change.
Identify with perceived victims of the social injustice they are fighting.
Feel the need to take action rather than just talking about the problem.
Believe that engaging in violence against the state is not immoral.
Have friends or family sympathetic to the cause.
Believe that joining a movement offers social and psychological rewards such as adventure, camaraderie and a heightened sense of identity.
(Does this sound familiar at all?)
Beyond the individual characteristics of terrorists, Horgan has learned that it’s more fruitful to investigate how people change as a result of terrorist involvement than to simply ask why they enter in the first place. That’s because asking why tends to yield pat, ideological responses, while asking how reveals important information about the processes of entry, involvement and leaving organizations, he has found. Potential areas to tap include examining the myriad ways people join organizations, whether via recruitment or personal decision; how leaders influence people’s decision to adopt certain roles, for example by glorifying the role of suicide bomber; and factors that motivate people to leave.
Some psychologists believe terrorism is most accurately viewed through a political lens. Psychologist Clark McCauley, PhD, a co-investigator at START and director of the Solomon Asch Center for Study of Ethnopolitical Conflict at Bryn Mawr College, has come to see terrorism as “the warfare of the weak”—the means by which groups that lack material or political power fight what they see as oppressive forces. As such, he believes that terrorist actions and government reactions to them represent a dynamic interplay, with the moves of one group influencing those of the other. As one example, if terrorists commit an attack and a state uses extreme force to send a punishing message back, the terrorists may use that action to drum up greater anti-state sentiment among citizens, lending justification to their next actions. Yet research focuses almost solely on terrorist actions and neglects the important other side of the equation, he contends. “If you can’t keep track of what we’re doing in response, how can you ever hope to figure out what works better or worse?” McCauley says.
Studying de-radicalization
In the real world, psychologists also are exploring the effectiveness of initiatives taking place in countries including Egypt, Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Singapore and the United Kingdom that are seeking to soften the hearts and minds of terrorist detainees. In preliminary research, Kruglanski and colleagues note that many of these programs share:
An intellectual component, often involving moderate Muslim clerics who hold dialogues with imprisoned detainees about the Qu’ran’s true teachings on violence and jihad.
An emotional component that defuses detainees’ anger and frustration by showing authentic concern for their families, through means such as funding their children’s education or offering professional training for their wives. This aspect also capitalizes on the fact that detainees are weary from their lifestyles and imprisonment.
A social component that addresses the reality that detainees often re-enter societies that may rekindle their radical beliefs. A program in Indonesia, for instance, uses former militants who are now law-abiding citizens to convince former terrorists that violence against civilians compromises the image of Islam.
Some of these efforts have already shown promise, says Kruglanski. For example, Egypt’s largest radical Islamic group, Al-Gama’a al-Islamiyya, renounced bloodshed in 2003, the result of a deal brokered by a Muslim attorney between the group and the Egyptian government, and a program where Muslim scholars debated with imprisoned group leaders about the true meaning of Islam. As a result, the leaders wrote 25 volumes arguing for nonviolence, and the group has perpetrated no new terrorist acts since, Kruglanski says. A second major Egyptian group, Al Jihad, renounced violence in 2007 based on a similar program.
Five other such initiatives in Northern Ireland, Yemen, Saudi Arabia, Indonesia and Colombia are being studied by Pennsylvania State University’s Horgan. His not-yet-published research proposes a framework that policymakers can use to evaluate these programs, including examining how each effort conceptualizes and measures success, and evaluating the reality and practical significance of these success claims.
Given his own experience talking with former terrorists, Horgan is cautious about how much to expect from these programs. In his recent study, he discovered that some of these efforts not only lack clear criteria for establishing what constitutes “success,” but also that actual de-radicalization is rarely a feature of such programs—that former terrorists may rejoin society and keep from engaging in terrorist actions, but retain their radical beliefs.
So we have big brains that are working on this.
Why isn’t anyone reading this stuff?
Why? Because people would rather not educate themselves and go hide their bed and be terrorized by CNN or Fox News being intimidated in the pursuit of political aims. Now that’s terrorism.
The midnight raid, popularly known as the “Boston Tea Party,” was in protest of the British Parliament’s Tea Act of 1773, a bill designed to save the faltering East India Company by greatly lowering its tea tax and granting it a virtual monopoly on the American tea trade.
The name has been hijacked.
Being a Boston Girl #BostonStrong even in Florida we love our Boston History.
These people, if they were alive today would not allow the shenanigans that are going on.
They would not want to scare us. They would embolden us.
For instance, we would have more choices for our cable.
“A government plane carrying 163 Syrian refugees has arrived in Canada, as part of the newly elected Liberal government’s pledge to take in 25,000 people by the end of February. Greeting the new arrivals, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said his country was “showing the world how to open our hearts.” A second group of refugees is due to arrive in the southern city of Montreal on Saturday, bringing the total to 300.
The plane, which touched down just before midnight local time, was met by Trudeau, the ministers for health, defence and immigration, Ontario’s premier and the mayor of Toronto, Canadian newspaper the Toronto Star reports. Many well-wishers also arrived to greet the refugees who were given welcome bags upon arrival.”
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau Premier Kathleen Wynne, Toronto Mayor John Tory and other dignitaries welcome first government plane of Syrian refugees.
Trudeau and Wynne greeted the first two families to come through processing and gave them winter coats.
The first family was a couple with their 16-month-old girl and the second was a man and woman with their three daughters, two of whom are twins. Both families said they were happy to be here.
“The story of Chanukah begins in the reign of Alexander the Great. Alexander conquered Syria, Egypt and Palestine, but allowed the lands under his control to continue observing their own religions and retain a certain degree of autonomy. Under this relatively benevolent rule, many Jews assimilated much of Hellenistic culture, adopting the language, the customs and the dress of the Greeks, in much the same way that Jews in America today blend into the secular American society.
More than a century later, a successor of Alexander, Antiochus IV was in control of the region.”
He was waging war against Egypt and there was a rumor going around that he had died.
“The deposed High Priest Jason gathered a force of 1,000 soldiers and made a surprise attack on the city of Jerusalem. Menelaus was the High Priest appointed by Antiochus, but he was forced to flee Jerusalem during a riot. The King returned from Egypt in 167 BCE, enraged by his defeat, and he attacked Jerusalem and restored Menelaus, then executed many Jews.
When these happenings were reported to the king, he thought that Judea was in revolt. Raging like a wild animal, he set out from Egypt and took Jerusalem by storm. He ordered his soldiers to cut down without mercy those whom they met and to slay those who took refuge in their houses. There was a massacre of young and old, a killing of women and children, a slaughter of virgins and infants. In the space of three days, eighty thousand were lost, forty thousand meeting a violent death, and the same number being sold into slavery.
Antiochus decided to side with the Hellenized Jews in order to consolidate his empire and strengthen his hold over the region. He outlawed Jewish religious rites and traditions kept by observant Jews and ordered the worship of Zeus as the supreme god (2 Maccabees 6:1–12). This was anathema to the Jews and they refused, so Antiochus sent an army to enforce his decree. The city was destroyed because of the resistance, many were slaughtered, and a military Greek citadel was established called the Acra.
He began to oppress the Jews severely, placing a Hellenistic priest in the Temple, massacring Jews, prohibiting the practice of the Jewish religion, and desecrating the Temple by requiring the sacrifice of pigs (a non-kosher animal) on the altar. Two groups opposed Antiochus: a basically nationalistic group led by Mattathias the Hasmonean and his son Judah Maccabee, and a religious traditionalist group known as the Chasidim, the forerunners of the Pharisees (no direct connection to the modern movement known as Chasidism). They joined forces in a revolt against both the assimilation of the Hellenistic Jews and oppression by the Seleucid Greek government. The revolution succeeded and the Temple was rededicated.
According to tradition as recorded in the Talmud, at the time of the re dedication, there was very little oil left that had not been defiled by the Greeks. Oil was needed for the menorah (candelabrum) in the Temple, which was supposed to burn throughout the night every night. There was only enough oil to burn for one day, yet miraculously, it burned for eight days, the time needed to prepare a fresh supply of oil for the menorah. An eight day festival was declared to commemorate this miracle. Note that the holiday commemorates the miracle of the oil, not the military victory: Jews do not glorify war.
This week we commemorate the miracle and the light. We are the light. We have to stay the light.
Even way back then there were war mongering power hungry wing nuts.
The Greeks were different from other empires. They didn’t just want your land, your resources and your riches — they wanted your national essence, your culture. They wanted you to think like them, live like them and even be entertained like them. The problem was most Jews weren’t buying, and the Greeks didn’t appreciate that. So the Greeks brought pressure to bear on the Jews.
Women who insisted that their sons be circumcised were killed along with their babies. Brides were forced to sleep with Greek officers before they could be with their husbands. Jews were required to eat pork and sacrifice pigs to the Greek gods. The teaching of Torah became a capital crime.
The sages and their students went into hiding in order to study and preserve the Torah. Secret weddings were held. Most Jews did anything and everything to remain Jewish. Many were tortured and murdered for their defiance. A period of darkness and suffering descended upon the Jews of Israel.
The Hasmonean family was led by Mattisyahu and his five sons: Shimon, Yochanan, Yehudah (Judah), Elazar and Yonasan. Mattisyahu was a devout man who could not bear to see Judaism and the Jewish spirit crushed. It was his family that led the revolt against the vastly superior Greek forces. Mattisyahu understood that the battle was far less for national liberation than it was for spiritual and religious liberation. Though Mattisyahu’s valor provided the initial spark for the revolt against the Greeks, he died shortly after the rebellion grew into a full-fledged war. The mantle of leadership passed from Mattisyahu to his son Judah, and with that the course of history was forever changed.
Judah Maccabee was a fearless leader, a brilliant battlefield tactician and a man capable of inspiring thousands to take up arms in the battle for the preservation of Judaism. It was Judah Maccabee who conceived of ways for the Jewish forces to out-maneuver the larger, better equipped and seasoned Greek army. When at last the Jews captured Jerusalem, rededicated the Temple and witnessed the miracle of the oil, it was with Judah Maccabee as the leader of the Hasmonean family and at the head of the Jewish army of liberation.
The Jewish rebellion was a great event in Jewish history, but tragically, the war against the Greeks was also a civil war. Not all Jews sided with the Maccabees, who to some represented “the past.” Many Hellenized Jews aligned themselves with “progress” and with the future. As a result, Jews battled with one another for the right to define the future of Jewish life and the Jewish nation.”
A tradition of the holiday is playing dreidel, a gambling game played with a square top. Most people play for matchsticks, pennies, M&Ms or chocolate coins. The traditional explanation of this game is that during the time of Antiochus’ oppression, those who wanted to study Torah (an illegal activity) would conceal their activity by playing gambling games with a top (a common and legal activity) whenever an official or inspector was within sight.
A dreidel is marked with four Hebrew letters: Nun, Gimel, Hei and Shin. These letters stand for the Hebrew phrase “Nes Gadol Hayah Sham”, a great miracle happened there, referring to the miracle of the oil.
The letters also stand for the Yiddish words nit (nothing), gantz (all), halb (half) and shtell (put), which are the rules of the game! There are some variations in the way people play the game, but the way I learned it, everyone puts in one coin. A person spins the dreidel. If it lands on Nun, nothing happens; on Gimel (or, as we called it as kids, “gimme!”), you get the whole pot; on Hei, you get half of the pot; and on Shin, you put one in. When the pot is empty, everybody puts one in. Keep playing until one person has everything. Then redivide it, because nobody likes a poor winner.
A song
Chanukkah, Oh Chanukkah
Come light the menorah
Let’s have a party
We’ll all dance the hora
Gather round the table, we’ll have a treat
Shiny tops to play with, latkes to eat
And while we are playing
The candles are burning low
One for each night, they shed a sweet light
To remind us of days long ago
God made the sun and it shines for everybody. Ziggy Marley
Here’s is a cute short funny version of the story.
this video is great (Neis is the miracle) Let’s be the light this year. Let’s all be the Hanukkah miracle.
Here are some events I think you guys will like. If you have anything else just leave me a message at the bottom of the post or if we are friends on Facebook or twitter hit me up there. My email is clenz@mac.com. This if for the Treasure Coast Only.
This month I’m looking for free Christmas meals and food or toys for kids who cannot afford. Contact me if you know of any.
If you have an important meeting or event coming up let me know.
Here are some agencies for Christmas meals and toys.
Save Our Children
Main address is 1611 Avenue D
Fort Pierce, Florida
Dial 772-466-8398
Children under the age of 61 can get one free toy. Any assistance is first come and served. Parents applying in Palm Beach are often single parents as well as families in poverty.
The Salvation Army
Multiple sites operate a Angel Tree Christmas program as well as regional Toys Shops. This allows a member of the community, whether in Palm Beach or St. Lucie County, to buy a gift for a child. The case managers at the Salvation Army will ensure the free present gets to a needy family. They also have Turkeys at Thanksgiving, thrift shops to buy games, and more. Various social services are run.
Palm Beach and Belle Glade Salvation Army centers are at 686-3530.
Martin County families can dial (772) 288-1471.
St. Lucie, there is a site in Fort Pierce (phone (772) 461-2899) and Vero Beach (dial (772) 978-0265)
Another Palm Beach Center is in Boca Raton (phone 561-391-1344) or Lake Worth (dial 561-968-8189).
In The Image of Christ
707 N 7th Street
Fort Pierce, FL 34950
772-461-7788
A St. Lucie County based non-profit. Donations allow it to offer gifts and other assistance at Christmas.
Love and Hope in Action
Main address is 1760 SE Salerno Road
Stuart, FL 34992
For information, call 772-781-7002
This charity focuses it free holiday programs on Stuart County residents.
El Sol Jupiter’s Neighborhood – Resource Center
106 Military Trail
Jupiter, FL 33458
Dial 561-745-9860
There may be stocking stuffers for children, food baskets at Christmas, toys, games, and holiday dinners.
December 2015
Thursday, Dec 17
Taco Shack in Stuart 2nd Anniversary. Taco Shark is a great supporter of a clean river and has yummy food
Activities include:
* Double Feature Movie (‘How the Grinch Stole Christmas’ at approx. 6pm, and our main feature: ‘ELF’ at approx. 7pm)
* Food Trucks
* Snow Machine at The Children’s Museum of the Treasure Coast ($4 admission)
* Sleigh rides
* Other games & activities
You are invited to watch the Democratic Presidential debate with fellow Treasure Coast Bernie Sanders supporters Saturday evening. There is no admission cost but space is limited. To attend, please RSVP here: https://go.berniesanders.com/page/event/detail/4rmz5
When: Saturday, December 19, 7:45- 10 PM.
Where: in the Legends Room at Duffy’s Sports Grill of Stuart South, 6431 SE Federal Hwy- south of Cove Rd.
Directions: Location is well marked on east side of Route 1 in south Stuart. From 95, take rt 76 (Kanner Hwy) about 0.5 miles north to Cove Rd (light), make right and travel east about 2.5 miles to rt. 1. Make right at light and Duffy’s is on other side about 1 mile south.
Dec 21,2016
Martin County DEC. 7 pm at the Martin County Democratic headquarters at 948 SE Central Pkwy in Stuart.
Dec 25th (Please call and check time for dinner)
Mount Zion Church
Address is 4221 28th Avenue
Vero Beach, FL 32967
Dial 772-562-6288
A Christmas Day dinner is served as part of Our Father’s Table Soup Kitchen.
The Source
1015 Commerce Avenue
Vero Beach, Florida 32960
Phone: 772-564-0202
Free Christmas meals are offered for families in poverty. Volunteers serve them and also collect toys. Companionship, counseling, and other support is arranged too.
Jonathan Dickinson State Park Christmas Bird Count
Location: Hobe Sound Nature Center
Address: 13640 SE Federal Hwy
Description:
The Hobe Sound Nature Center is seeking volunteers to participate in the annual Jonathan Dickinson State Park Christmas Bird Count on Sunday, December 28th. Experienced and amateur birders are all welcomed. This count is a part of the National Audubon Society’s Christmas Bird Count, which began over a century ago and is held throughout the western hemisphere. To volunteer for the Jonathan Dickinson Bird Count, contact the Hobe Sound Nature Center at (772) 546-2067 or via our website at www.hobesoundnaturecenter.com.
“The request is for more water than the controversial Niagara Bottling plant pumped when it first opened in Groveland. Are you surprised? You shouldn’t be.
Florida’s water-management districts can’t say no to anyone. Despite a sloppy application, chances are high that Spring Water Resources of Ocala — doesn’t the clever name sound like it’s a group doing good? — will be getting permission to pump 181 million gallons a year.
The company’s plan is to withdraw water from 10 acres just south of County Road 470 and east of U.S. Highway 301 in Sumter County. Some 144 tanker trucks a day would take the raw water to the Azure Bottling plant in Leesburg, owned by a Fruitland Park couple.
There, plans call for bottling the water and selling it to five retailers, including Niagara Bottling and Nestlé Water, according to a business plan filed with the Southwest Florida Water Management District.
The proposal is to drill a 10-inch well near Fern Spring, but don’t worry — the application swears that tests show the pumping won’t hurt the spring at all. Never mind that engineers at the water district have never even heard of the process the water company’s consultant used to determine the spring is safe.”
We can’t afford to have our water sucked dry.
Watch this clip from Flow: For the love of water about nestle
by Darcy Flierl
The question is not what the other person can do differently, but rather, “What can I do differently?” Once the honeymoon phase ends and we begin to fully be ourselves- because let’s face it, we can’t help it- we begin to notice all the annoying habits of our once beloved partner. We begin to ask them: Please don’t do that, please do this, if you don’t mind- when you do this… and do it my way. Many requests are of reasonable measure and couple’s need to work together to find those little compromises. I will use the dishwasher for example. My husband and I moved in together in our late 30’s. When I say late, I mean I was 39 and he was 40. We both had already spent a decade each living with our former spouses and we had lived in many situations in which we loaded dishwashers. He insisted the silverware all be faced up in the rack because he believes it will not be thoroughly cleaned if not. I want to load it all down with handles up, because I don’t want to stab myself while putting everything away. This power struggle went on for our first few weeks living together until we reached THE compromise: Knives down, the rest will be placed up. How did we come to that conclusion? We talked about what we wanted and why it was important and found a solution that honored both partners’ perspectives. Okay, so many issues effecting relationships aren’t as simple as “how to load the dishwasher” but they all can come down to the same process.
Unfortunately, sometimes we find ourselves in a relationship with someone who is…. Unreasonable…inflexible……selfish. It’s no fun to be the individual who is always conceding, compromising, surrendering. The person whom gives up on everything from how to load the dishwasher, to their friends, careers and for many, even their families, is the person who will do anything to avoid conflict. This person loses not just the things they value, but in the most extreme cases, they lose themselves. The Co-Dependent is born. They no longer exist. Their purpose moves beyond avoiding conflict, but their purpose becomes the purpose of their partner. For the person this happens to, they begin to have self-talk that goes like this: How did this happen? Things use to be so good. Isn’t there anything I can do to make them change? Is there anything I can do to make this stop?
As people willing to have relationships, we have an obligation to accept people as they are OR not. We do not have the right to love them, welcome them into our lives, build lives with them and then ask them to be different than how they were when we decided to love them. It is an act of spiritual violence against them and you. If we cannot accept an individual for all they are, the fair choice is to set them free. However, most of us lack the courage to be fair. Instead we say, “I love you, now change”, “become the person I need you to be so I can feel safe, cared for and confident”. If this injustice has been done to you, you may be faced with a bold decision to take responsibility for you own happiness, stand up to conflict, make choices that will displease your partner, love yourself in the face of adversity. Love yourself at all costs. The best case scenario, your partner will see the evil of their ways. They will ask for patience while they work through their emotions, demands, and fears. Sometimes, two people stay together yet live separate. This never seems to allow either individual to find the joy that is available. In many cases, the partner expected to change, starts to demand the other change too. And sometimes, the only road to happiness is traveled separate.
“I can’t do this anymore”, “Enough IS Enough”, “I’ve tried and done everything and nothing works”, are things many couples say after the smallest disagreement and to the big stuff, as well. It’s a natural reaction to have that Fight or Flight reaction when we are in conflict. Just because one feels that way or says those things from time to time, doesn’t mean it’s time to jump ship. If your partner wants you to change, maybe accepting their inability to accept you IS the fair and compassionate thing to do. If you are faced with whether you should stay or whether you should go, here are few questions you might ask yourself to help you make a move in becoming responsible for your own happiness: Are there more bad days than good? Is there emotional, physical or verbal abuse? Is my partners an active addict (the world is full of addicts, the important question is if they using), Are you going to regret leaving? Will you regret staying? Am I honoring my personal values in the relationship? You already know, we can only change ourselves. You can change yourself to save a relationship or you can change the relationship, to be true to yourself.
I wish people were naturally fair. I wish we always operated with a deep level of self awareness and that we didn’t behave in ways that caused conflict in our relationships. The sad truth is I’ve made the choice to leave every adult relationship I’ve ever had because either my partner couldn’t accept me or I couldn’t accept them. Being on our 2nd marriages, My husband and I, operate very different with each other than either of us ever had before. We love with our hearts, minds and eyes, open. We love with care, respect, patience, compromise and acceptance. In just 5 years, some big sacrifices have been made, but they’ve been made by the person making the sacrifice, or compromise, not because it’s been asked of them. When I think of my husband, I think… I Love You, because I Love YOU and because I’m free to be the totally beautiful, imperfect ME.
Email at darcy.flierl@gmail.com
Darcy Flierl is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Certified Addictions Professional, and Certified Yoga Teacher currently offering individual and family psychotherapy in Stuart, Florida. She also enjoys teaching in the Human Services Department as an Adjunct Instructor for Indian River State College and is Consultant for Non Profits along the Treasure Coast.
She has held board positions on for a variety of local and statewide agencies from the Department of Juvenile Justice’s State Advisory Group to CHARACTER COUNTS! and others. Darcy has received a variety of awards for her community work such as; Soroptimist’s Rising Star Award, the Community Champion Award from the United Way and for community advocacy from the Tobacco Free Partnership and was a 2013 Nominee as a Woman of Distinction.
Besides working to make Martin County a healthier place, she donates her time doing River Advocacy for the Indian River Lagoon and raising awareness about many issues effecting young people and families. She treasures her time with her husband, and children attending local events and enjoying Martin County’s recreational opportunities.
cyndi lenz 